So What
by wee-me
Summary: One of them is gone by their own hand, none of them are spared the sadness. A story of suicide in two parts and two sides. I play fast and loose with the timeline.
1. Part One

**So What**

Authoress: Wee-Me

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own anything or anyone from "Buffy" and I am not profiting from writing about them. 

_WARNING:_ This story is not kind to any of the Scoobies and it involves a depiction of suicide. I do not advocate suicide and if it upsets you, please read no further.

Part One

The police found her the morning after. Actually a group of teens sneaking out to party did and they called the cops, but that's not the point. The official report said gang violence and the cops moved on, but it was suicide sure as anything.

It had been months since she came back from Europe with a steadier control on her magic and everything was fine with the Scoobies. So what if they didn't ask Willow to do anything fun with them, she'd never enjoyed Bronzing anyway.

"_Wills, we need some research done. You don't mind staying do you? We'll be at the Bronze if you need us and we'll have our phones on." _

So what if Dawn was using the whole thing to get special favors through guilt, she'd always liked helping people.

"_It's just so hard. I mean, imagine if someone had done those things to you, wouldn't you be traumatized? Can't you just do a few things for me?"_

So what if Buffy wouldn't have anything to do with Willow outside of research or slayer emergencies, it was the slayer's right to be distant from and disapproving of evil.

"_She's not our Willow anymore. She's closer than she was right before she left, but she's still not the same. She's done awful things and we can't just forget that. She can stay, but that doesn't mean I trust her." _

So what if Xander only had time for Anya, couples were like that.

"_Willster, I'm sorry I forgot our movie night, but Anya needed some attention. You know how girlfriends are." _

So what if Willow had a broken heart and was drowning alone in despair, she was a bad witch after all. So what to Willow period.

She had her affairs in order months before she acted. All of her magical items were divided up between boxes for Angel's group, Giles, and a few bits for Anya. Her parents' things had already been sent on to the apartment they had in another town. Her books were sold, as well as all but a few sentimental pieces of jewelry, and most of her clothing already filled the racks at a thrift shop. The house, signed over to her by her parents, was already sold and she had been finishing up the last niggling details- like having the carpets cleaned and ending her life.

_Real estate notice: Motivated seller! Lovely home in a great neighborhood. Perfect for a young family. Owner is looking for an immediate buyer and willing to bargain. _

The small appliances and all the furniture had fetched a fair sum and that money, in addition to the price fetched for the house and all money in her closed out bank accounts, paid for her funeral expenses in advance. She'd even chosen her own flowers.

_Moving sale! Furniture, appliances, and miscellaneous house wares for sale. Everything must go! _

Her will, freshly drawn up, lined out what she had set into place: a nice cremation and her ashes (through special permit) to be pitched over a cliff ocean-side. A plain headstone set into the ground beside Tara's with a single white daisy for her and a spray of flowers for Tara. No ceremony or crying, no obituary, just quiet notices to the few people she knew.

_To whom it may concern: Willow Rosenberg has passed away. There will be a small ceremony in Sunnydale in her memory. Instead of flowers please send a donation to your local charity. Thank you and many sympathies for your loss. _

Her bills were all paid, accounts closed, laundry done, and everything boxed and labeled. A box of things for Angel, mostly magical supplies. Books, magical things, pictures, and a long letter for Giles. Pictures and mementos to the others. Her car was signed over as a gift to Dawn, or an apology. There was a three-ring binder, color-coded with tabbed dividers, full of lists. Lists of important dates and birthdays, lists of allergies and recipes, sections things everyone liked or disliked, and other information that everyone always classified under "ask Willow, she knows". All her leftover funds were left to Giles along with a message on his answering machine he'd heard hours too late, just as she'd calculated.

_BEEP "You've reached Rupert Giles' answering machine. Please leave a message and I'll get back to you if the stupid machine works." BEEP "Hey Giles. It's Willow. Umm, I hope you get this before anyone calls. _A pause._ I love you. Not like in-love love, but like I should love my parents love. Just know that. You don't have to worry about me anymore, that's got to be a relief. _A strained chuckle. _Take care of yourself. _Another pause. _Oh, I left you some things. And some money. Think of it as a bonus for going above and beyond the call of duty, or hazard pay. I can't pay back what I owe you, but maybe it will help. And I'll be out of the way now. Oh, I'm ramble girl again. I do you know. Love you that is. Don't be sad, have a happy life and be good to yourself. Bye." _

A note sent to Angel on her way to Buffy's would let him know what was going on in case the Scoobies, minus one, needed help because she supposed she could have forgotten something and arrangements may have needed to be made.

_Angel: You should receive this a day or so after I kill myself. I know I don't have any right to ask, but if you don't mind, please check on everyone. I've tried to see to all the details, but you know how stuff comes up and if they have to handle that they may need help with the patrol stuff. Thanks. _

She hadn't expected them to grieve, at all. She felt dead inside, they acted like their Willow was dead, what was there to grieve about? She'd cooked favorite meals that afternoon in the Summers' home and frozen some for the next few days. She'd helped Dawn with her homework, practically did it for her when Dawnie turned the guilt screws, and fetched blood for Spike.

She'd been nearly giddy and they'd all thought it was a wonderful sign that she wasn't making them depressed with her moping. When the night's patrols were divvied up she opted to go by herself to deal with some minor flesh-eaters, an easy bludgeon job if you had a club with a small blessing on it at your disposal. When Spike offered to go with her, he sensed something was wrong he realized later, Buffy got upset.

"_She'll be fine. If you keep babying her she won't know she's being punished. She has to learn that she can't just kill people or try to end the world or rip people out of heaven without there being consequences."_

Willow agreed with her earnestly. She had to pay, had to get what she deserved, after all the trouble she'd caused she would have no chance at Buffy's heaven for slayers. She'd babbled it all out in a single Willowy gush, placations and agreements and assurances she could handle one little trip by herself. The other Scoobies had all smiled to see a return of the old Willow and most of them paid little attention to the actual content of her words.

Anya was wiser than the others in some ways and had caught on that something was wrong. Willow had turned wide eyes on her without the others noticing and she'd shrugged. She decided not to say anything then, but she did decide to ask some hard questions when they were alone. When it was time to leave Willow gave a cheery wave to them all. Buffy, Spike, and Dawn were the first ones out the door- off to a movie or some such after a quick patrol. Spike had felt the need to arm himself heavily, the bad feeling still in him, and to pass weapons to the rest of them as well. He'd handed Willow her club with a shoulder pat he knew was odd, but couldn't stop himself from giving. Then Buffy tapped her foot impatiently and they were gone.

Anya sent Xander out on a snack run for the night ahead; they were planning to do some research until Buffy came home. She hadn't had a real inkling how bad things were until Xander was gone and Willow put the club back in the weapon chest.

"You don't plan to come back, do you?"

Willow shook her head. "Are you going to try to stop me?"

She thought about it, really thought about it, but she had been around a long time and knew when someone had given up on life. "No, I'm not going to stop you, but I don't want you to do this."

"Don't worry, I took care of everything. No need to worry." It was worse that she really believed it.

She set her keys on the kitchen counter beside her cell phone and left only her ID and an emergency contact card in her pocket.

"It's going to mess up your sweater. That's Spike's favorite, he always tells that story about when he kidnapped you and you were wearing it."

"Huh. Well I packed everything else. Maybe I can leave it on a headstone or something."

Anya surprised her with a hug and then she was gone into the night to run to her death. The former demon was left to wait for Xander and the phone call from the police that might crush them all.

Willow walked straight into the cemetery with her head high. The air was cold when she left her fuzzy sweater in Spike's crypt, but she didn't care. She cut her wrists on a wrought iron fence and headed to the creatures' den. The tiny creatures were each no bigger than bunny, but as a group they were capable of taking down an adult, especially one that didn't fight back. It took longer than she'd expected for them to finish and they were going to have to be taken care of by someone, but to take a page from her friends' book, so what? That wasn't her problem anymore, and then with a few final bites nothing was her problem.

End Part One

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I don't know why I've been killing all the characters lately, but hopefully I'll write something happier soon. I meant to post this yesterday, but I wasn't feeling so well. Yes, this is fairly unkind to those left living, but I don't think it's very nice to Willow either so it's equal opportunity meanness on my part, please no angry rants. Please let me know what you think.


	2. Part Two

**So What**

Authoress: Wee-Me

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own anything or anyone from "Buffy" and I am not profiting from writing about them. 

_WARNING:_ This story is not kind to any of the Scoobies and it involves a depiction of suicide. I do not advocate suicide and if it upsets you, please read no further.

Part Two

Anya had lulled Xander to sleep on the couch and pretended to sleep herself. They would need the sleep, when Willow was found she was sure there would be a definite lack. Dawn went straight to bed when they came home near sunrise and Buffy grudgingly let Spike stay to avoid the sun. Apparently their night out hadn't gone so well and had put the Slayer in a bad mood and Spike on the outs with her. Buffy stomped up the stairs leaving Spike alone downstairs.

Spike was still edgy, but not enough that he missed the clean club in the weapon chest when he put his own weaponry away. Anya rose quietly and shook her head to silence him before he could sound the alarm. She led him to the kitchen and cut him off before he could do more than ask what was going on.

"She left not long after you did. It's done, all we can do is wait for the call."

"How could you let her go? You could have stopped her, saved her."

"She'd already made up her mind. If it hadn't been last night it would have been some other. You're old enough to have seen someone who was already gone and Willow was long gone, probably before she went to England."

She was right, but that didn't mean he had to like it or that he was happy about it. When a container of blood in the fridge was fresh and/or human it generally meant Willow had gotten it, but all he had cared about as he heated it was that it would keep him from ripping out throats to express his displeasure and make his shiny new soul ache. He nearly dropped the whole mug when his first taste revealed it to be Willow's own. He drank it with reverence, a gift from a powerful witch and a good friend, and it soothed him some. Anya had her own mug, coffee filled, but she clutched at the necklace around her throat.

"She said she owed me a necklace. And I'd always liked this one when she wore it. You don't care, but I don't like the quiet."

"This is her blood. She left me some of her blood. You want to talk we can, 's better than thinking about what happened."

They talked for many long hours. Both were both hoping that Willow had shown less than her usual competence and would come in banged up but alive.

The call didn't come in until nearly noon, but it still woke the others up from late weekend sleeping. Buffy answered the phone and it woke the others up when it was flung down the stairs to shatter at the bottom. Dawn and Xander didn't take the news well either. The Summers sisters and Xander rode together in one car while Spike and Anya (forgotten by the distraught trio) took a route underground to avoid the sun and thick lunch time traffic. They all went in to identify the body.

In death she looked just like the Willow they had known and loved before the "addiction". Gone were the pinched lines around her eyes from straining to keep the magic at bay. Gone were the tear tracks that had become as much a part of her face as her nose in the months since her return. Also gone was the feeling that there was always someone there to listen and try to make things better.

Dawn threw up just seeing the neck wounds and Buffy had to carry her out of the hospital because she was crying so hard. The Slayer was oddly distanced from the whole situation, as if it weren't her friend on the cold metal table. Xander had kissed her forehead before knocking over several trays while screaming at her and had to be escorted out by security. Only Anya and Spike remained with her and only they had the courage (or the compulsion) to know what Willow had gone through and what was hidden beneath the sheet. It looked like rats had gotten to her they agreed. She was thankfully mostly whole. The demons she'd chosen were powerful but small and ate only while the heart pumped which hadn't been long because they also tended to rip open veins and arteries as they had with Willow.

"She wouldn't have lived long anyway. Lookit how frail she is. Did she never eat?"

"I don't understand this. I've seen more, done worse, and I'm still crying. She was my friend Spike, even if she didn't really want to be and we weren't very close. She was my friend and I didn't realize it until she was going off to die. I didn't notice she was already dying right in front of me."

Living, dead, and undead they held each others' hands and formed a strange triad, a modified life cycle. They stayed with her until the end, even going so far as riding along with her to the crematorium and waiting as she was turned to ash. She had clearly feared that someone would try to bring her back, as she had Buffy, so her will ordered her remains be incinerated immediately. Her remains were held for her attorney and there was nothing left to do but go home and grieve. Giles was there when they arrived at Buffy's (he'd come via transport spell for speed) and greeted them wearily looking as sad and old as he ever had.

"Is she, that is, did they… What has been done with her remains?"

"Crematorium, Ripper. Red didn't leave anything to chance from what I could gather."

"No, she wouldn't leave it to chance. She did go seeking them then? I was hoping I'd misunderstood her. I think I shall keep that from the others for the time being." He cleaned his glasses though they already gleamed. "Spike, I think it might be safest for you if you went to your crypt for the evening, and Anya may want to take some time away as well. Buffy is on the warpath and Xander is very supportive of the anti-demon sentiment."

Anya dashed forward and hugged Giles before going outside to wait for Spike on the steps. The men tried not to notice her tears or how she hugged herself like she might fall apart.

"Be safe Ripper and call me if things get out of hand. I think I'll keep the demon girl with me tonight, she's shook."

It wasn't hard to lead Anya to his crypt and if he'd been his old self Spike would have had an easy meal. She lay down without complaint and he could free no words of his own to comfort her. He nearly missed the fuzzy feel of the sweater as he tucked the sad woman into his bed, but the strong scent of Willow caught his attention.

"She did leave it for you, I wondered if she would." Anya murmured. "I reminded her it was your favorite."

He nodded, it was his favorite. It was what she was wearing the first time he'd cried his unbeating heart out to her and threatened her within an inch of her life. He hadn't intended to sleep, but he laid down beside Anya and they held each other as they quietly grieved. When he woke up he put the sweater into an inner pocket of his duster, brushing his fingers over it when he needed a moment of calm.

The following days were a crazed blur to them all. Giles had to explain to Dawn, Xander, and Buffy that Willow had master-minded her own death. The demon population suffered the brunt of the Slayer's anger, but she didn't focus her lashing out. Angel rode in expecting to save the day for the woman who'd saved his soul and felt responsible for letting her down somehow. They received notices from her attorney about the service (just after sunset for those with a sun allergy) and were allowed in her home to gather their inheritances.

There was little to do at her home besides gather what she'd left them and try not to feel ghoulish opening presents from their dead friend. The carefully labeled boxes made it all too clear that she'd been planning a long time and they had missed all the signs. Several of the boxes were for Giles, including one that held a few orbs in case Angel's soul came unattached again. The furniture was gone, the floors waxed, and not a trace left of Willow in the place outside of the images in the photos she left them. Each of them had a letter addressed to them inside of a large manila envelope tucked into the binder.

_Dear Giles, _

_I'll try to keep this short and babble free. Three of the boxes are yours, mostly magic stuff that you might be able to use. My attorneys (a demon firm, fewer questions that way) will be releasing some funds for you, it's the least I could do. I know this isn't the bravest way out, but we both know I'm not brave don't we? I'm no Slayer and sidekicks shouldn't get big heads like I did. At least dying will get me out of everyone's way. Just know that I'm sorry for it all and I love you like a father. You were one of the best things about meeting Buffy, even if we didn't always see eye to eye. Take care,_

_Willow_

Dawn's letter held the pertinent papers to transfer ownership of the car and a sincere apology alongside a few of her favorite little Dawnie stories. She wrote: "_I know that I can never make up for what I've done to you, but at least you won't have to suffer my presence any longer."_

Xander's told him how much she had loved him as her brother and best friend, how sorry she was about everything, and asked him to visit Jesse's grave every once in a while (as she always had). _"__Even if you never visit mine, Jesse doesn't deserve to be lonely and the grave is all we have left of him. I've said my goodbye to him."_

Anya's was a less personal letter, but suggested that the magic items left to her could fetch a fair price. It also wished her well with Xander and willed her the necklace she'd already received. "_It only seems fair I give you at least one necklace and you've always seemed to like this one."_

Buffy didn't share the contents of her letter, but it she didn't tear it up or throw it away.

_Dear Angel, _

_I've packed up a few things I thought you might use in the good fight. I know we weren't close, but I appreciate all the help you gave us and I'd like to ask you a favor. Please watch out for Spike, his soul is still new and I think he needs someone to talk to sometimes. I don't know if I did very well trying to help him, but I think you could handle him. Take care and keep up the good work. _

_Willow_

Spike's letter wished him the best of luck, apologized for helping keep him prisoner and any other offenses, and suggested he try to reconcile with Angel "_because he knows what the soul thing is like. Besides, you knew Angelus- maybe Angel isn't the hardcore demon, but he's still your family. If you give him a chance you might like him, or at least tolerate him while heckling like you do Xander. I just want you to have someone to talk to. I've come to like you Mr. The Bloody and I want you to be good to yourself."_

They left the house with their groups and didn't speak to each other. Angel stayed near Anya and Spike. Buffy, Dawn, and Xander pulled Giles away with them. Xander hadn't spoken to Anya in the days following the identification at the morgue except to insult her demon heritage and tell her she wasn't worth his time. His glare clearly said he didn't approve of the company she was keeping, but he kept his thoughts to himself for Willow. It was just as well she had decided to go back to England with Giles, there was nothing really keeping her in Sunnydale anymore.

The memorial, the impersonal scattering of her remains, was done before the exodus out of Sunnydale. It was a tense meeting. Xander was at least moderately drunk, Buffy looked ready to kill, Dawn couldn't stop crying, and they clustered together away from the others. Toward the center Spike and Giles stood like a sort of melancholy honor guard around Anya, their faces all shining with regret. Angel stood brooding to the other side, trying to recall if there were any signs that quiet, dependable Willow would take such desperate measures, but he could not recall enough personal encounters with her to come up with any. Her lawyer released her ashes to the wind and down to the water without ceremony. He said, "Seems a shame. Good witch. Good client." Then he gave Giles an envelope full of important documents and left them to grieve. Buffy grunted "selfish" to no one in particular and with no indication of how it was to be taken. She pulled Dawn back down the steep path to the car without looking back. Xander shot an accusatory glance to the others before staggering after Buffy. None of those left wanted to break the peace so they simply whispered a good-bye.

Anya and Giles were the first to leave. They shipped Anya's belongings and their Willow gifts and set up the store to sell. Giles had to return by spell, but Anya flew out with only Spike to see her off. They settled in quite well together in an 'Odd Couple' sort of way. Angel left within hours of them, going ahead to prepare a place for Spike at the hotel. Spike had gathered the meager belongings he had at the crypt and packed his car. He didn't know if it would work out in L.A., but Sunnydale wasn't a good place to be anymore (especially with an angry Slayer about) and Willow had thought it might help him. He said a quick goodbye to Dawn, he had to speak to her from her window for safety, and let her know where he would be. Then he left a rose on Willow's empty grave before putting Sunnydale behind him. He didn't even have the enthusiasm to run down the Sunnydale sign.

Those left behind didn't do as well. Buffy and Xander turned to slaying and each other to get over their loss. They became a couple of sorts and not a healthy one. Xander stayed at least buzzed all the time, his father seemed to have influenced him more than previously thought. Buffy's focus on slaying and Xander left her with little time for Dawn or any of the other human niceties. Dawn took Willow's car, she would never call it her own, and disappeared into a new life far from anyone that knew her. The former Key was the last of them to visit Willow's grave and the last to trace her hand over the inscription on the headstone.

_Here lies Willow Rosenberg: So what?_

End Part Two

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I don't know why I've been killing all the characters lately, but hopefully I'll write something happier soon. Yes, this is fairly unkind to those left living, but I don't think it's very nice to Willow either so it's equal opportunity meanness on my part, please no angry rants. Also, I know the cremation bit is sort of odd, but I don't think this is the weirdest thing that could have happened in Sunnydale (and before Shelly attacks, I know they're cremains and not ashes, I just prefer to call them ashes). Please let me know what you think.


End file.
